I am writing this while sitting on a very sore and bruised bottom from a session Ma’am and I had yesterday. It was a very different type of session in which I think we both came away with new understandings and perspectives.
I know I have been lax in posts and I am sorry for that. I have not been myself the last few weeks and have not felt like doing anything, but zone out and sleep—which is very unlike me as I am a fairly active person. My mood has been the result of left over holiday blues, old family issues, and more recent work problems. I am in a transition period right now that has me feeling not very stable or grounded. When I feel that way I get anxious and tend to go very much inside myself. I have felt like I have been on autopilot—just going through the motions without any real care about anything. I have felt listless, tired and even defiant—which is not a natural part of my nature at all. I needed to be snapped out of my negative headspace, I very much needed to cry—so, I came to Ma’am with my feelings and concerns and asked for Her help in unblocking all the negativity that was blocked up inside of me.
We tried a percussive caning session on Saturday that left my bottom striped, but my eyes dry. I did not make a sound the whole session, not even when the carbon fiber cane was used. I had retreated inside myself even further and would not allow myself the release I know I needed. I was so blocked up inside that I could not make the transfer from the cries inside my head to my mouth.
The next day, Ma’am and I discussed the session and our feelings on it—mainly in my lack of release. I explained that I was fighting myself inside and holding back. By doing that I was, in a way, defying Her authority over my anatomy. It was something I didn’t mean to do, but I was so blocked up and turned off to the world that my behavior and tone were not my own. In trying to hold onto control that was not mine I was acting out of control.
I felt like I needed to be reined in and for Ma’am to take back that control from me. I could not handle it on my own and in holding onto that I felt like I was closing myself off to Her—which, is something I NEVER want to do.
We proceeded to have another session yesterday of a different sort. It was explained to me that Ma’am loves me very much, sometimes to much to discipline me the way I need to be. It was also explained that sometimes when we are hurting so much on the inside that we have to hurt on the outside to make the emotional transfer between the two in order to break down and have a cathartic cry.
Crying does not come easily to me, nor is it something I process easily for it’s a rare occurrence. I needed Ma’am to take the choice to cry away from me. I needed for Her to essentially make me cry—not an easy thing to do. It took some firm scolding and Her expressing Her concerns to me in this way, along with the nasty business end of a bath brush with no warm up to get me to tears and beyond. I was spanked until the tears came and I was kicking and fighting to be free. She held me fast and I started begging. I kept saying ‘please’, meaning that "please this is unbearable and I want You to stop,” as well as, “please I really need You to keep going.” I was spanked until I started to cry and even then it did not immedently stop…And I am so grateful to Ma’am that She pushed through Her own misgivings about hurting me the way I needed to be hurt and kept going until I could not take back the tears, until they were no longer mine. They were Hers and Hers alone.
Sometimes, I need Her to take the control away from me completely as She did yesterday if only even for a little while. Sometimes, I just need to be spanked until I cry because I have never been able to let myself go there on my own when I am so inside myself. I get lost in there and it’s very hard for me to find my way out on my own. This is consensual non-consent in such a way that if Ma’am feels the need to take me to the point of tears or more when I don’t want to go through the painful process of getting there I consent for Her to take that control away from me. It was a landmark session for us, I think, because we both needed to know that we could go there, push beyond limits and self control and ultimately come back together.
The result is, as I stated in the beginning, a very sore bruised bottom that will make sitting uncomfortable for the next few days as well as me nearly back to my old self. There still some stuff locked up inside, but on the whole most has been released. I remarked to Ma’am this morning what an amazing thing a spanked bottom, a good cry, and loving arms to fall into afterwards can do to snap a person back into reality.
More people should try it.
2 Comments:
Amazing post! So glad you got there. I feel that way A LOT! It's a great feeling afterwards...even amidst the soreness.
I can very much relate to so much of what you write, in how you feel, how you say things, all of it.
I wonder what it would have been like, when I was your age, to have had access to the net.
But, I once wrote a story, Moody girl, that is similar to the feelings you describe.
And oh yes, That 'please', where you are crying it out, and what it really means, is 'please, something'...
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